Thoreau once said that if you live your beliefs, you can turn the world around. Today I made a crucial decision and avoided an easy aspiring author’s temptation. Though I am not at liberty to expand on this statement as of yet, I must consider this temptation as low-hanging fruit and move on to find an outcome more suited to my ambitions. It can happen with The Perfectionist or it may not; then again it can happen with my third novel which is three-quarters complete, or not. Whatever the scenario I have to continue to work hard and give myself the means to reach the upper branches of the tree and accomplish my dreams.
You see I’ve lived a happy life, but there was a time when there was no real me. I was a fake and a shadow of myself, complacent in lethargic safety and routine. Don’t get me wrong, I had all the characteristics of a human being: flesh and blood, skin and hair; but my emotions were contained as I played martyr. I'd never felt more shallow, and people could spot it from a mile away. And though you could shake my hand and call my name... I simply wasn’t there. Something horrible was happening inside of me and I didn't know why, or what to do.
Eventually I found some answers in the refuge of writing. The white page was the one place I could be completely open. The pen and paper had no judgement. They simply received my truth and allowed me to turn the page. The universe opened its doors to me. I reached out and touched the light and let it shine on my face.
Then came moments of sheer panic and crippling fear when I realized my mask of false pretence was about to melt in this abundance of comforting warmth. Outbursts of love. Outbursts of joy. And the wall hiding my feelings began to crumble and the emotions came flooding in, washing me over in awesome waves.
I'd never lived closer to the danger of destroying an ordinary life before, but once I’d taken a few punches and realized I wasn’t made of glass, I allowed myself to go as far as possible, taking pride and pleasure in being alive. That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t terrified from time to time; afraid of what I did, of what I was doing, and of what I still might have to do. But now this life of love and freedom grows on me. It’s strange because I look back now and realize I've never felt safer.
And it’s a wonderful sensation to know that the greatest things have yet to come. A pang of excitement. My heart misses a beat. True love is always around the corner and the smiling world motions for me to rise. The intense rush of passion gets me out of bed in the morning. I crave it. I thrive on it. Ladies and gentlemen, please herald the new me.